I cried today. Not just small tears, either. I cried, bawled, gave it all to Jesus…..and do you know what’s wrong? Absolutely nothing…..
It started early this morning. In the wee hours of the morning, I was in bed listening to “God is here” by Karen Clark Sheard. The next thing I know my body was moving and I was spinning around the room praising God! Jahzyah was in the bed sound asleep, and I was dancing around the room worshipping God as if I was a ballerina. It’s funny to me now, but it was no laughing matter this morning. Truth is, I miss liturgical dancing. I did it for 5 or 6 years before stopping cold turkey when I got married. It was the best way for me to express myself. It was my worship. And last night, as the Holy Spirit crept into my room, I let Him have his way….didn’t matter that I was 40-50 lbs heavier-yikes! I gave myself away! Pure unfiltered worship !
God has been sooo good to me ! For the first time since I had my daughter 2 years ago, I feel like my old self again. I’ve mentioned suffering from post-partum depression after childbirth. Many have asked me how long i suffered. The chains broke after 6 months but two years and one month later, I can finally say “I’m back”! and I’m enjoying life to the fullest. Im walking in the calling set before me, pursuing my passion and my purpose, planning my family’s future, making investments for greater. It’s all good!
But there’s a price- there’s always a price! Sometimes life takes me too fast, too many people want my time, too many obligations, too many commitments, not enough hours in the day. I feel stretched! I feel thin. I feel like my baby has to suffer. I’m grateful for family who loves and cares for my tot like their own, but I wish I didn’t have to rely on them that much. But to whom much is given, much is required . I wanted this entrepreneur lifestyle, I want to be a renowned speaker traveling around the world speaking to the masses . Wait! Do I want it or is that what God said he wanted? He definitely wants it, I’m just obedient…..and you know what? It’s hard !!!!! Working extra hours to help fund the vision set before me is difficult, it leaves me drained and tired. Yet, it leaves me accomplished in some sick way because at some point I didn’t have the energy or the willpower to give anything extra. So I press forward…..not looking behind. I know God’s got me!
I cried again today because my cup is overflowing….simply FULL! I’m walking this thing out by faith, not seeing anything set before me, trusting God and it’s not easy. But I trust God! He’s never failed me. I may not understand everything now, but sometimes affliction is just tied to the Promise. I just have to go through it. “It will be worth it”, I keep telling myself and my husband. And it will. Until then, I will continue to weep every time I have to pack my daughter’s bag to go stay with someone because I hate not being available to her every hour of every day. I don’t know what I’m going to do when she starts school. I hope God heals me by then. I used to laugh at moms like that, but I have become “that mom”.
As I type this and silently cry again, I’m going to close because as the title says “apparently, Im in my feelings today”. Everyone won’t understand but if you are a mom, I know you do. I can’t shield her from everything , but Lord knows I will die trying.